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Aromanticism; Clearing Misconceptions

When I say I'm aromantic, I’m met with curious questions. I love to chat about it, but I sometimes receive questions that can unintentionally debate and invalidate my aromanticism. Among my fears is the common, “If you’ve never fallen in love, how do you know you can’t fall in love later?” This seems like an instinct to comfort me, or to contest someone denying an insurmountable thing to lose. Comments like, “Love can happen for you,” or “You’ll meet the right one someday,” feel dismissive of my aromanticism and can be hard to hear. The assumption seems to be that I’m missing something and hopefully one day that will change. Using my perspective as an aromantic, I hope to clear some misconceptions about aromanticism.


Understanding aromanticism requires distinguishing between love and romantic attraction; (for ease) love can be for anything or anyone, while romantic attraction pertains to romantic connections and relationships which could be between romantic partners. While I don’t experience romantic attraction or romantic love, I still experience all other kinds of love and a lot of it. With this perspective, being aromantic does not mean I have an unfulfilled void, but rather hardly any desire for romantic love to begin with. Another way to explain my aromanticism is that I am not able to reciprocate romantic feelings. I can establish deep and affectionate connections with others, but that bond would not be romantic (or the type of love between romantic partners). 


Often, people associate aromanticism with trauma, believing there’s a causal relationship between the two; “Maybe you’re just depressed.” Associating aromanticism with trauma or mental health conditions can contribute to stereotypes and stigma, in which aromantic people are viewed as cold or broken. Trauma has a range of effects on a person’s life and identity, which can sometimes but not always affect someone’s romantic orientation. While in certain cases it is possible for trauma to directly cause or contribute to aromanticism, being aromantic does not equate to having trauma. On the other hand, the presence of trauma does not determine aromanticism. Given everyone has unique experiences, it’s inappropriate to make assumptions about the mental health of aromantic people.


So, if I’ve never fallen in love, how do I know that I can’t fall in love later? To this, I say why wonder? I can’t speak for my future self. Some aromantic people happily live single, while others seek platonic life partners or romantic relationships. The aromantic label isn’t a commitment to never being in a relationship or in love. Rather, it describes how we experience attraction/love and how our needs/experiences may differ from others. Furthermore, aromanticism is a spectrum and can mean something different to everyone who identifies with it. I’ve only scratched the surface of the spectrum, given that many more identities fall under the aromantic umbrella; aroflux, demiromantic, grayromantic, lithromanic, etc. If you get the chance to ask an aromantic person questions, rather than coming from a place that emphasizes the desire for romantic love, try asking what their aromanticism means to them. It could spark an interesting conversation and help create a more accepting environment.



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